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At the Sign of the 
Dollar 




3AY, WHAT IS ETERNITY, NATURE AND GOD, 

COMPARED WITH THE INTER-GRAB GASLIGIITING CO?' 



AT THE SIGN OF THE 
DOLLAR 



"By WALLACE IRWIN 
Pictures by E. W. KEMBLE 




NEW YORK 
FOX DUFFIELD & COMPANY 









Copyright igos 

by 

Fox Duffield & Company 



\C\0^ 



Published September, igos 



CONTENTS 



PACE 

Processional ii 

The Lost Inventor „ ... 15 

The Panama Brook 17 

The Reveries of a Whitewasher 19 

Niagara Be Dammed 23 

The Missionary and the Standard Oil ..... 27 

If Christ Should Go to Church 30 

The Ballad of Grizzly Gulch 32 

The Party Wakeners 36 

Senator Copper's House 38 

The Innocents 41 

The Mill 43 

Maxims of a Monopolist 46 

A Testimonial 48 

Uncle Sam — Nursemaid 51 

The Merit System in Hell 53 

Immigration 56 

Plaint of an Ancient Cliff-Dweller 58 

A Letter from Home 61 

A Few Words from Wilhelm 63 

O Cheerful Bird! 6$ 



VI CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Officer O'Leary at the Crossing 67 

Grandeur 69 

Fourth of July 71 

A Day with Dives 74 

Senator Underhand Bacchus McFee 76 

The Pirate and the Cabman 78 

" Frenzied Finance " 80 

Holy Johnnie's Sermon 82 

The Price of Piety 83 

The Heritage of Rest 84 

May Madness 86 

Circumstances and Cases 90 

Democracy 92 

To the Pure All Food Is Pure 94 

Crankidoxology 97 

After Reading a Chapter by Henry James .... 100 

To an Indian Skull 102 

The Ant and the Elephant 104 

The Poet of Futurity 106 

Fall Styles in Faces . . . ■ 108 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 

"Say, What is eternity, nature and God, com- 
pared with the Inter-Graft Gaslighting 
Co.?" Frontispiece 

FACING PAGE 
"Where's the knight more trained to kick cor- 
ruption in the eye?" 12 . 

"Earth is crying 'Ave Tom' and Heaven is 

crying 'Fudge'!" 14 

"Friends and fellow-citizens, we're poor men 

all together." 20 

"The public be damned while we dam up 

the Falls." 24 

" 'Dee-lighted,' cries the smiling bear." . . 30 

"Then comes a disappointed wail from every 

rock and tree." 32 

"The constitution rides behind, the big stick 

rides before." 34 

"And after that take off your hats and you 

may look at me." 36 '' 

" 'How,' sez the Senator, 'can I look proudest? 

Build me a house that'll holler the 

loudest?'" 40 

"I've taken Ze-ru-na for forty-nine days." . 48 

"My wife's throwing fits." 50 

"Congressman Snide." 54 

"Jah Also." 56 

"I see so much vat iss nicht Dutch." ... 62 

"I talk so much like Rosenfelt I dink ve 

must pe tvins." 64 

"Der Kaiser, he iss more as yet." ... 70 

"Then you'll blow into Newport and purchase 

a yacht." 80 - 



viii LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 

FACING PAGE 

"As the fierce, philistine laymen, Harsh, un- 
sympathetic draymen, Seize my Lares and 
Penates by the hair.'' 86 

"Yelling 'Sli-i-de !' in yonder lot." ... 88 

"Wilkinson, the banker, in his garden over 

there." 90 

"Woodland Pan stands sulkily a-nailing up 

a shingle." 92 

"For I place great reliance in subsidized sci- 
ence." 94 

"I'm killin' folks off at a nominal profit." . 96 

"For food education has long been ray hobby." 100 



ACKNOWLEDGMENT 

Dear Reader, pray stand with your hat in your hand, 

While the Author's plain duty is done. 
I will not dissemble — the pictures by Kemble, 

Were loaned by P. Collier & Son. 
To Collier is due thanks for many rhymes, too; 

To Life and the Globe grand merci, 
And still others yet I'll acknowledge the debt, 

Of my Muse, and my music, and me. 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR. 

At the Sign of the Dollar the Pilgrim lags, 
And the Saint drives tip with his money-hags. 
Tinkle-and-chink goes the merry din 
Of the all-night game they are playing within. 

Ho! Mr. Landlord, welcome them all, 
Saint and sinner, mighty and small, 
JVhile the shorn lambs bleat and the gold- 
calves bawl 
At the jolly old Sign of the Dollar! 

At the Sign of the Dollar the bets fly fast 
As under the table the cards are passed; 
Or the Honored Citizen zvins the stakes 
JVith the loaded dice which he slyly shakes. 

Ho! Mr. Landlord, welcome the van. 
Statesman, lawyer, business man — 
Rob-as-rob-will or catch-as-catch-can , 

At the jolly old Sign of the Dollar! 



AT THE SIGN OF THE 
DOLLAR 



PROCESSIONAL 

(Suggested by Lawson's famous " Portrait of 
Myself:') 

Wake up, Muse ! get busy with the Hme-llght 
and the thunder, 
Hot-air, sulphur, chloroform and braying 
trumpets hoarse ! 
Jove, turn in a fire-alarm, and, Mortals, stand 
from under — 
Here comes Thomas Lawson with the Ban- 
dits of the Bourse ! 

Wow ! ! Skeedaddle, priests of Baal — clear 
out and cease to bore us — 
Hither rides Elijah in a Boston auto-car — 
Maidens, scatter Lawson pinks and raise your 
Frenzied Chorus, 
Sending Wrong to stygian deeps, and Cop- 
per Range to par! 



12 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Who Is it a-riding at the head of the proces- 
sion ? 
Who the captives chained and bound ath- 
wart his chariot wheels? 
One need hardly answer such a very foolish 
question — 
That is Truthful Thomas with the System 
at his heels. 

See poor Rockefeller limping feebly with the 
vanquished, 
Sunlight beating fiercely on his head so 
bowed and bare; 
See Hank Rogers following, his features 
drawn and anguished. 
Crying as he stumps along, " O spare us, 
Cassar, spare! " 

What! Is that P. Morgan, lord of Artist, 
Cook and Scullion, 
Led behind the Victor with a ring drawn 
through his nose? 
What! Is that Carnegie, patron saint of 
Books and Bullion, 
Howling as the whip-lash falls athwart his 
Scottish hose? 

Woe among the Golden Gang, for Lawson he 
has spoken ! 




'WHERE'S THE KNIGHT MORE TRAINED TO KICK CORRUPTION 
IN THE EYE?" 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 13 

(That's no lie, for speaking is the best 
thing that he does.) 
" Lo ! the zinc-toothed, gawping maw of Wall 
Street shall be broken. 
Mammon shall be swatted — and the Swat- 
ter shall be US ! 

" Where's the lad more fit than me to splifi- 
cate oppression ? 
Where's the knight more trained to kick 
Corruption in the eye ? 
Where's the real Sir Galahad? — (Excuse this 
shy expression. 
Pubhc life's distressing to a quiet, modest 

guy-) 

" Friends and fellow-citizens, we're poor men 
all together — 
We don't choose to stand around and see 
our money spent! 
Wait till I get Rogers' little Copper Trust in 
tether, 
Then each woman, man, and child shall 
have — a copper cent! " 

Bang the brazen cymbals! the procession on- 
ward sweeping. 
See the Frenzied Financiers behind his 
chariot trudge. 



14 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Banks are paying dividends, the poor for joy 
are weeping, 
Earth is crying, " Ave Tom ! " and heaven 
is crying, " Fudge! " 
* * * * 

In the streets of Boston, where the Triumph 
proudly capers. 
Literary statues are behaving very queer. 
Lowell, in some embarrassment, consults his 
" Bigelow Papers," 
Emerson says, " Goodness me! " and rubs 
his marble ear. 

Up on Boston Common there's a statue being 
bullded. 
Labelled, " Chapters Gone Before " and 
" Chapters Still Unread," 
Representing Lawson on a pillar highly gilded 
Reading proof and selling stocks while 
standing on his head. 




'earth is crying 'AVE TOM !' AND HEAVEN IS CRYING 'FUDGE !' 



THE LOST INVENTOR 

Patriotic fellow-citizens, and did you ever note 
How we honor Mr. Fulton, who' devised the 

choo-choo boat? 
How we glorify our Edison, who made the 

world to go 
By the bizzy-whizzy magic of the little 

dynamo? 
Yet no spirit-thrilling tribute has been ever 

heard or seen 
For the fellow who invented our Political 

Machine. 

Sure a fine, inventive genius, who has labored 
long and hard. 

Till success has crowned his research, should 
receive a just reward. 

The Machine's a great invention, that's con- 
tinually clear. 

Out of nothing but corruption making mill- 
ions every year — 

Out of muck and filth of cities making dollars 
neat and clean — 

Where's the fellow who invented the Political 
Machine? 

Hail the complex mechanism, full of cranks 
and wires and wheels, 



i6 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Fed by graft and loot and patronage, as noise- 
lessly It reels. 

Press the button, pull the lever, clickety-cllck, 
and set the vogue 

For the latest thing in statesmen or the new- 
est kind of rogue. 

Who's the man behind the throttle? Who's 
the Engineer unseen? 

" Ask me nothin' ! Ask me nothin' ! " clicks 
that wizard, the Machine 



THE PANAMA BROOK 

I come from haunts of Washington 

And make a sudden sally 
To rouse the sleepy Isthmian 

And bicker through his valley. 

Through thirty hills they'll shovel me, 
Through thirty Constitutions, 

By thirty millions in Paree 
And thirty revolutions. 

Till through the microbe beds I flow 

Toward the yellow fever; 
For germs may come and germs may go, 

But I go on forever. 

And In and out they draw my route, 

With here an angry Solon, 
And here and there a question mark, 

And here and there a Colon. 

With here and there a Watterson 

To rant of '' P. Vanilla," 
And here a Nicaragua gun 

From some outraged flotilla. 

But still my undug banks I fret 
By many a tropic hovel, 



i8 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

And wonder where the deuce they'll get 
The laborers to shovel. 

For while my dank miasmas grow 

Malaria's saffron fever, 
Disease may come, disease may go, 

But I go on forever. 



THE REVERIES OF A WHITE- 
WASHER 

Oh, a whitewasher stood at the Capitol steps, 
And worked with his main and his might 

To cover the spots and the national blots 
With a coat of indelible white. 

'Twas a tough little job as he threw on each 
gob 
Of blanketing, comforting, innocent goo; 
But he labored with spunk, as he thunk and he 
thunk 
The following thoughts, which I'm giving 
to you : — 

" Since the railroads are invariably honest, 
And the Beef Trust's being managed at a 
loss; 
Since the gas gangs, in communion, are a phil- 
anthropic union. 
Making happy all the cities that they cross, 

" Let us turn our thoughts to higher, nobler 
topics. 
Let us speak of ancient history or Poe, 
Let us send to deep perdition every sneaking, 
base suspicion 
Of our honest, simple neighbors here be- 
low. 

19 



20 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

" Do you think a noble statesman In the sen- 
ate 
Would accept a higher mileage than he 
ought? 
That a decent legislator would take tips just 
like a waiter? 
Oh, my friends, forget that very wicked 
thought ! 

" And hasn't Mr. Garfield shown the Beef 
Trust 
Quite averse to worldly grovelings for 
pelf? 
Doesn't Rockefeller, grieving, think of heaven 
more than thieving, 
As he's very fond of telling us himself? 

" Let us speak of public monuments and sculp- 
ture. 
And the influence of art upon the day, — 
Let's admire that statue pleasing Governor 
Pettyplcker's raising 
To the fumigated memory of Quay. 

" It is hard to think of Mr. Hogdon Char- 
mour 
As poisoning the mutton that we eat, 
Or as charging Klondike prices for the beef he 
daily slices, — 
Why, he's such a perfect gentleman to 
meet! 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 21 

" And It's horrid mean of Folk, to mention 
grafters, 
Or for La Follette to swamp the railway 
deal: 
And, as for Hoch, of Kansas, his effrontery 
unmans us 
When he calls the Standard's enterprise ' a 
steal ! ' 

" There is far too much of this Investigation, 
Which merely breeds dissension and unrest; 

Don't you think the men of station who are 
farming out the nation 
Are considerately acting for the best? 

" It Is wrong to steal a horse or break a win- 
dow, 
It is wrong to kill a widow with an ax ; 
And I'm sure such crimes disgusting can't be 
blamed upon the trust-Ing 
Gentlemen whom you malign by your at- 
tacks. 

" Far better those Inclined to kick and cavil 
Should stay at home and think about their 
souls, 
Than be always poking after some obscure but 
honest grafter, 
Stirring up a nasty mess around the polls I 



22 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

" Then, come, let's think of finer, sweeter 
topics. 
Child culture, home life, caring for the 
teeth. 
While the nation is reclining in a coat of kal- 
somining 
Meant to symbolize the purity beneath." 




" Them beauties o' Nature," said Senator 
Grabb, 
As he spat on the floor of Justitia's halls, 
*' Is pretty enough and artistic enough — 

Referrin', of course, to Niagara Falls, 
Whose waters go rumblin' and mumblin' and 

grumblin' 
And tearin' and stumblin' and bumblin' and 
tumblin' 
And foamin' and roarin'. 
And plungin' and pourin' 
And wastin' the waters God gave to us creech- 

ers 
To wash down our liquor and wash up our 
feechers — 
Then what in the deuce 
Is the swish-bingled use 
O' keepin' them noisy old cataracts busy 



23 



24 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

To give folks a headache and make people 
dizzy? 

" Some poets and children and cripples and 
fools 
They say that them Falls is eternal. That 
so? 
Say, what is Eternity, Nature, and God 

Compared to the Inter-Graft Gaslighting 
Co.? 
Could all the durn waterfalls born in creation 
Compete with a sugar or soap corporation? 
But Nature, you feel, 
Has a voice in the deal ? 
She ain't. For I'm deaf both in that ear and 

this un — 
If Nature talks Money I'm willin' to listen ! 
So bring on your dredges, 
And shovels and sledges, 
Yer bricklayers, masons, yer hammers and 

mauls — 
The public be dammed while we dam up the 
Falls. 

" Jest look at the plans o' me beautiful dream ! 

A sewer-pipe conduit to carry the Falls 
Past eight hundred mill-wheels (great savin' 
of steam) ; 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 25 

The cliffs to be covered with dump heaps 
and walls, 
With many a smokestack and fly-wheel and 

pulley, 
Bridge, engine, and derrick — say, won't it 
look bully ! 
With furnices smokin', 
And stokers a-stokin' 
With factory children a-workin' like Scotches 
A-turnin' out chewing - gum, shoe - laces, 
watches, 
And kitchen utensils. 
And patent lead-pencils, 
And mission-oak furniture, pie-crust, and flan- 
nels — 
Thus turnin' Nlag' to legitimate channels. 

" The province o' Beauty," said Senator 
Grabb, 
" Is bossed by us fellers that know what 
to do. 
When Senator Copper hogs half of a State 

He builds an Art Palace on FIft' Avenoo. 
What people believed in the dark Middle 

Ages 
Don't go In this chapter o' history's pages, 
And the worship of mountains 
And rivers and fountains 



26 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Is sinful, idolatrous, dark superstition — 
And likely to lose in a cash proposition. 

Ere the good time is past 

Let's git busy and cast 
Our bread on the waterfall — it'll come back. 
We'll first pass the Grabb Bill, and then pass 
the sack." 



THE MISSIONARY AND THE STAND- 
ARD OIL 

A missionary gentleman he crossed the lisping 
tide 

And landed on a desert isle where cannibals 
reside, 

And soon he saw a savage man who he dis- 
tinctly knew 

Was Emperor To-Tommy of the tribe of 
Gumbo Goo. 

" O savage man, O savage man, come hither 

as you should, 
For here I have some articles intended for 

your good; 
Some shaving-soap, a button-hook, a shirt of 

great expanse. 
And those bi-furcate garments by the vulgar 

known as ' pants.' " 

The cannibal he gulped and blushed, not 

knowing what to say; 
He bit his nails, and answered in a halting, 

sheepish way, 
" Oh, think me not ungrateful for your 

kindly, thoughtful toil — 
But, sir, I cannot take a gift that's bought by 

Standard Oill" 



28 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

"Tush! nonsense!" said the saintly man, 

*' You shouldn't mind a bit — 
Try on these patent leather shoes. I'm sure 

they'll be a fit." 
But stubbornly the cannibal his kingly feet 

withdrew 
And gazed across the palmy shades of tropic 

Gumbo Goo. 

" 'Tis true," he said, *' my simple ways you 
probably despise; 

On truffled babes and human steaks I often 
gormandize; 

I sometimes kill my neighbors, too, I some- 
times beat my wife — 

But otherwise I've always Jed a sweet, 
straightforward life. 

" If Rockefeller had but made his monumen- 
tal sum 

In peanuts, leather, almanacs, health-food or 
chewing-gum, 

I might be willing with his gifts my royal 
hands to soil — 

But one must draw the line somewhere; I 
draw at Standard Oil." 

The chieftain's voice was choked with sobs. 

" I'll not get over this. 
Perhaps — perhaps you'll come again. I'll 

take it not amiss, 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 29 

Next time you call around this way, if you 

should bring to me 
Some Art from Pierpont Morgan or some 

Books from Andrew C." 

The missionary packed his grip, and naught 

he had to say, 
But with a tired, discouraged air he sadly 

turned away, 
Then whistled for the pilot-boat and silently 

withdrew 
From Emperor To-Tommy of the isle of 

Gumbo Goo. 



IF CHRIST SHOULD GO TO CHURCH 

Bare of head and bare of feet 
Christ and Poverty walked the street, 

Past the curse and the muck and the grime, 
Past the door and the haunt of crime. 

Past the glare and the flaunt of sin, 
And it was a Church that he entered in. 

The Christmas prayer at the desk was said, 
And the Rich Parishioner bowed his head. 

Through the carven oak of the organ-loft 
The golden music trembled soft, 

And a high-priced tenor, sweet of throat, 
Poured through the arches his mellow note. 

In the velvet reach of each cushioned pew 
The pampered worshippers dozed, for they 
knew 

The gifts and bequests that could insure 
Their seats in the House of God secure. 

" O come, all ye faithful ! " the pastor said. 
And the Rich Parishioner bowed his head. 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 31 

Velvet and furs on every side, 
Sloth and fatness, vanity, pride, 

Then where in the Temple of Prayer was a 

seat 
For the tattered of gown and the bare of feet? 

Sat a simple bench by the panelled door. 
*' Reserved for the Poor " was the sign it bore. 

And the Poor Parishioner huddled there — 
Small place had he in the Temple of Prayer. 

Old and feeble and mendicant, 
Yet humble withal and a suppliant. 

And the Son of Man, as he entered, eyed 
The throng who knelt to the prayer of pride. 

Then he turned to the suppliant shabby and 

hoar 
And sat in the Pauper's Bench by the door. 

" O come, all ye faithful," the pastor said, 
And Christ and Poverty bowed the head. 



THE BALLAD OF GRIZZLY GULCH 

The rocks are rough, the trail Is tough, 

The forest lies before. 
As madly, madly to the hunt 

Rides good King Theodore 
With woodsmen, plainsmen, journalists 

And kodaks thirty-four. 

The bob-cats howl, the panthers growl, 

" He sure is after us! " 
As by his side lopes Bill, the Guide, 

A wicked-looking cuss — 
" Chee-chee! " the little birds exclaim, 

" Ain't Teddy stren-oo-uss ! " 

Though dour the climb with slip and slime, 

King Ted he doesn't care, 
Till, cracking peanuts on a rock. 

Behold, a Grizzly Bear! 
King Theodore he shows his teeth. 

But he never turns a hair. 

" Come hither. Court Photographer," 

The genial monarch saith, 
" Be quick to snap your picture-trap 

As I do yon Bear to death." 
" Dee-lighted ! " cries the smiling Bear, 

As he waits and holds his breath. 

33 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 33 

Then speaks the Court Biographer, 

And a handy guy Is he, 
*' First let me wind my biograph, 

That the deed recorded be." 
*' A square deal! " saith the patient Bear, 

With ready repartee. 

And now doth mighty Theodore 

For slaughter raise his gun; 
A flash, a bang, an ursine roar — 

The dready deed Is done ! 
And now the kodaks thirty-four 

In chorus click as one. 



The big brown bruin stricken falls 

And in his juices lies; 
His blood Is spent, yet deep content 

Beams from his limpid eyes. 
" Congratulations, dear old pal! " 

He murmurs as he dies. 



From Cripple Creek and Soda Springs, 
Gun Gulch and Gunnison, 

A-foot, a-sock, the people flock 
To see that deed of gun ; 

And parents bring huge families 
To show what they have done. 



34 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

On the damp corse stands Theodore 

And takes a hand of each, 
As loud and long the happy throng 

Cries, " Speech! " again and " Speech 1 " 
Which pleaseth well King Theodore, 

Whose practice is to preach. 

" Good friends," he says, " lead outdoor lives 
And Fame you yet may see — 

Just look at Lincoln, Washington, 
And great Napoleon B. ; 

And after that take off your hats 
And you may look at me ! " 

But as he speaks, a Messenger 

Cries, " Sire, a telegraft! " 
The king up takes the wireless screed 

Which he opens fore and aft, 
And reads : " The Venezuelan stew 

Is boiling over. 

" Taft." 

Then straight the good King Theodore 

In anger drops his gun 
And turns his flashing spectacles 

Toward high-domed Washington. 
*' O tushl " he saith beneath his breath, 

*' A man can't have no fun ! " 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 35 

Then comes a disappointed wail 

From every rock and tree. 
" Good-by, good-by! " the grizzlies cry 

And wring their handkerchee. 
And a sad bob-cat exclaims, " O drat! 

He never shot at me ! " 

So backward, backward from the hunt 
The monarch lopes once more. 

The Constitution rides behind 

And the Big Stick rides before 

(Which was a rule of precedent 
In the reign of Theodore). 



THE PARTY WAKENERS 

Senator Yawn and Governor Snore, 
General Doze and Congressman Bore, 
Went on the stump with the hope possessed 
To waken their party interest. 

So in Reubensville they hired a hall. 
Gave a procession to open the ball, 
Gathered a crowd and began to preach 
A soothing instalment of campaign speech. 

Senator Yawn first took the stump 

And spoke on " The Issues of Umpty-ump- 

ump." 
Then Governor Snore very eloquent grew 
On the " Terrible Danger of Doodle-dum- 

doo." 

Then General Doze for an hour spoke he 

On the " Growing Importance of Fiddle-dee- 
dee," 

And Congressman Bore drew some rainbows 
tropic 

On an equally interesting topic. 

When the speeches were done came a mo- 
ment's pause, 
And the speakers waited in vain for applause ; 
36 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 37 

For their audience lay on the benches, deep 
In a trance-like spell of unnatural sleep. 

Said Senator Yawn to Governor Snore, 
And General Doze to Congressman Bore, 
" It's a strange, strange thing, but the lack is 

plain 
Of popular interest in this campaign." 



SENATOR COPPER'S HOUSE 

Senator Copper of Tonapah Ditch 
Made a clean billion in minin' and sich, 
Hiked fer Noo York, where his money he 

blew 
Buildin' a palace in Fift' Avenoo. 
" How," sez the Senator, " can I look proud- 
est? 
Build me a house that'll holler the loudest — 
None o' yer slab-sided, plain mausoleums — 
Give me the treasures of art and museums ; 

Build it new-fangled, 

Scalloped and angled, 
Fine, like a weddin' cake garnished with pills ; 

Gents, do your dooty — 

Trot out yer beauty, 
Give me my money's worth — I'll pay the 
bills." 



Forty-eight architects came tO' consult, 
Drawin' up plans for a splendid result; 
If the old Senator wanted to pay. 
They'd give 'im Art with a capital A, 
Every style from the Greeks to the Hindoos, 
Dago front porches and Siamese windows, 
Japanese cupolas fightin' with Russian, 
Walls Senegambian, Turkish, and Prussian; 
38 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 39 

Pillars Ionic, 

Eaves Babylonic, 
Doors cut in scallops, resemblin' a shell; 

Roof wuz Egyptian, 

Gables caniptian. 
Whole grand effect, when completed, wuz — 
hell. 

When them there architects finished in style, 
Forty-nine sculptors waltzed into the pile, 
Swingin' their chisels in circles and lines, 
Carvin' the stone work in fancy designs; 
Some favored animals — tigers and snakes; 
Some favored cookery — doughnuts and cakes. 
Till the whole mansion wuz crusted with orn'- 

ments. 
Cellar to garret with hammam adornments — 

Lettuce and onions, 

Cupids and bunions, 
Fowls o' the air and the fish 0' the deep. 

Mermaids and dragons. 

Horses and wagons — 
Isn't no wonder the neighbors can't sleep ! 

Senator Copper, with pard'nable pride, 
Showed the grand house where he planned to 

abide; 
Full of emotion, he scarcely could speak; 
" Can't find Its like in Noo York — it's uneek ! 



40 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

See the variety, size, and alignment, 
Showin' the owner has wealth and refinement, 
Showin' he's one o' the tonier classes — 
Who can help seein' my house when he 
passes? 

Windows that stare at you, 

Statoos that swear at you, 
Steeples and weather-vanes polntin' aloof; 

Nuthin' can beat it — 

Jest to complete it 
Guess I'll stick gold-leaf all over the roof 1 " 




"how," SEZ the senator, "can I LOOK PROUDEST? 
BUILD ME A HOUSE THAT'LL HOLLER THE LOUDEST?' 



THE INNOCENTS 

Says Mr. Armour, as he makes 

A famine rate on stews and steaks, 

*' There's doubtless truth in what you say, 

That evil Trusts exist to-day. 

But kindly note before you go. 

There is no Beef Trust — mercy, no 1 " 

Says Mr. Rogers, as he signs 
Death-warrants for competing mines, 
" I heartily agree with you 
That unfair combinations do 
A deal of nasty mischief — but 
There is no Copper Trust — tut-tut! " 

With fresh foreclosures in his hands 

The saintly Rockefeller stands. 

" These mergers, when unchecked," he sighs, 

" I have no doubt demoralize; 

But Sin will Retribution bring — 

An Oil Trust? Nonsense — no such thing! " 

While prices rise on anthracite, 
Says Mr. Baer, " It Isn't right 
To make the tolling public bleed 
For the commodities they need. 
Cases like these the laws should fit — 
A Coal Trust? Never heard of It! " 
41 



42 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Says Mr. Satan, as he draws 
His fiery trident through his claws, 
"The world, no doubt, to Sin is quick; 
But wherefore blame it to Old Nick, 
When circumstances plainly show 
There is no Devil — ^mercy, nol " 



THE MILL 

What Is It the mill says — 

Turn and feed, turn and feed — 
Grinding out the story-books 

That the people read? 
*' Grind, grind, grill and grind, 
Novels strong and works refined, 
Romances writ historl-cally, 
Social problems shilly-shally. 
Local color, tommyrot, 
Melodramas wild in plot, 
Novels gay, 

Tales of sorrow, 
Read to-day 

Forgot to-morrow — 
Tastes change, market varies; 
Sporting clubs and seminaries 

All require their special kind — 
Read, read! 
As I feed. 

As I grind, grill and grind." 

What Is it the mill says, 

Busily, busily. 
Turning out the grist of plays 

That the people see? 
" Grind, grind, grill and grind. 
Round and round and never mind 



44 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Record season, or fiasco — 
Frohman, Savage, or Belasco, 
Each requires his special scene 
Built for star or actoreen, 
Dramas gay. 

Shows of sorrow, 
Boomed to-day, 

Forgot to-morrow; 
Farces light and plots unwieldy; 
Hose-supporters Weberfieldy ; 

Bernard Shaw's or Ibsen's kind — 
Buy, buy 
Our supply. 

As I grind, grill and grind." 

What is it the mill says — 

Chaff and sticks, chaff and sticks- 
Grinding out the daily grist. 

Law and politics? 
" Grind, grind, grill and grind. 
To supply the proper kind; 
Fan the dust and sift the issues, 
Platforms, tariffs, party tissues, 
Gold or silver, cold or warm, 
Business, boodle, or reform, 
Bonds to pay. 

Bonds to borrow. 
Pledged to-day. 

Forgot to-morrow — 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 45 

Catch-words subtle, phrases candid 
I'll supply as they're demanded 

To inspire the public mind. 
Vote ! Vote ! 
Rhyme or rote, 

As I grind, grill and grind." 



MAXIMS OF A MONOPOLIST 

If a business falls in line 
And opposes our combine, 
Buy it up ! 

Do not stop to argufy 
On the wherefore or the why : 
Make them sell when you would buy- 
Buy it up ! 

If some little private mill 
Grinds its corn against our will, 
Buy it up ! 

Let the workers of a town 
Sink or struggle, float or drown — 
Take their mill and close it down — 
Buy it up 1 

So it is in social life: 
If you want a handsome wife, 
Buy her up ! 

Little matter how you woo. 
Or the things you say or do — 
Let your money talk for you — 
Buy her up ! 
46 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 47 

You can show that black is white ; 
They will preach your wrong as right — 
Buy 'em up ! 

If the laws defy your skill 
Introduce a Robbery bill — 
There are Congressmen who will 
Buy 'em up ! 



A TESTIMONIAL 

I thought that my health was as good as the 
next, 
But learned it was terribly bad; 
For I found, after reading the newspaper text 

Of a loud patent-medicine ad.. 
That mushrooms were growing all over my 
liver, 
That something was loose in my heart, 
That due to my spleen all my nerves had 
turned green 
And my lungs were not doing their part. 
I wrote Dr. Sharko and got as an answer, 
" The wart on your thumb is incipient can- 



I've taken Ze-ru-na for forty-nine days. 

And Scamp Bark, my symptoms to gag; 
And isn't it queer — all my pains disappear 

When the medicine gives me a jag! 
A " lovely sensation " I get from them all 

Which banishes carking annoy, 
So gayly I drink 'em — and Lydia Pinkum 

Has added her quota of joy. 
And I've sent Dr. Bogie a neat little sum 
For " radium tests " on the wart on my 
thumb. 

48 




'I'VE TAKEN ZE-RU-NA FOR FORTY-NINE DAYS. 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 49 

When Baby is restless a bottle I keep 

Of Ma Winslow's Syrup. It takes 
A spoonful of poison to put him to sleep 

And another one when he awakes ; 
He lies in a paralyzed, hypnotized state, 

So calm you can see at a glance 
That the dear little chick sleeps as sound as a 
brick 
When he's neatly laid out in a trance; 
And I'm sure every Mother could learn, if 

she would, 
The knock-out-drop method to keep Baby 
good. 

While reading bright essays on " wonderful 
cures " 

In decent newspapers each day 
I see all the symptoms our tired flesh endures 

And fly to my drugs in dismay. 
I've Snydrozone, Fakeozone stocked on my 
shelf 

With Horner's Safe Waters of Life: 
I'm taking three-fourths of the tipple myself 

And giving the rest to my Wife — 
And if there is anything left after that 
I give it to Admiral Togo, the cat. 



so AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

So this Testimonial I would indorse 
To give all Poor Sufferers hope. 
Much pain I've endured, but I'm " Positive 
Cured "— 
So long as I'm taking the dope. 
The Baby has spasms, my Wife's throwing 
fits, 
And I'm feeling fuzzy and bad — 
For I feel we've amassed all the symptoms at 
last 
Which you read in the medicine ad. 
The ready-made Cure and the Angels who 

make it 
Thus comfort and bless the poor Devils who 
take it ! 




'mv wife's throwing fits." 



UNCLE SAM— NURSEMAID 

Urged by motives nowise harmful — 

Beneficial, if you will — 
Uncle Samuel's got an armful 

Of republics infantile. 
Uncle hates their constant riot, 

But he has the knowledge grim 
That he's got to keep 'em quiet, 

For they all depend on him. 
So he sings in accents gritty 

This enthusiastic ditty: 

" Bye-low, Cuba, mind your Pal 

Bye-bye, baby Panama ! 
Quit your scrappin', 

Fall to nappin' 
Pm your Uncle — there you are. 

Never mind the naughty gringo — 
Hush-a-bye, there — sh-h-h! — by jingo, 

What's the matter, San Domingo?" 

Added to your Uncle's worry 

Come from many a tropic zone 

Fledglings revolutionary 

Which he has to call his own. 

Kith, by right of war related. 
Uncle tries to keep them good. 

Since they've been assimilated 

SI 



53 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

In the Nation's sisterhood. 
Still his tone is rather peevish 

As he rocks his foundlings thievish : 

" Bye-bye, Jolo, Luzon, Guam, 

Porto Rico — please be calm! 
Bye-low, Sulu, 

Honolulu, 
Don't be scared, you're free from harm. 

I can't talk your heathen lingo. 
But I'll do my best — by jingo, 

Stop that fightin', San Domingo! " 

Uncle's troubles are prolific. 

Since his first paternal thought 
Every brat of the Pacific 

Flies to him — or else is brought. 
Kids with names beyond pronouncing 

Cling to him and prattle for 
Just one good, old-fashioned trouncing — 

Then they're his for evermore. 
Weighed by more than he can trundle, 

Uncle lifts the white man's bundle. 

" Bye-low, bye, my Tagalese, 

China baby and Bornese. 
Drop those Mausers — 

Here are trousers 
Which you'll wear, if you would please. 

Speak the lingo of the gringo — 
Say, I'll wring your neck, by jingo, 

You young nuisance, San Domingo! " 



THE MERIT SYSTEM IN HELL 

According to custom, Satan sat 
Examining peasant and autocrat, 
And indicating where each should go 
In his special department, tier and row. 

But presently through the infernal roar 
A scramble was heard outside the door, 
And the fiends dragged in a Trust Magnate 
And an eloquent Walking Delegate. 

•' Sit down," said the Chief to the Trust 

Magnate, 
" And the sum of your virtues briefly state. 
Make haste," he added, " the night grows 

old, 
And I've customers waiting outside in the 

cold." 

Said the Trust Magnate, with an unctious 

air. 
As he took his seat in a spike-bottomed chair, 
" Dear sir, don't rake me over the coals, — 
I've given work to a million souls. 

" Men have grown haggard and old in my 

pay, 
Mothers have toiled both night and day, 

S3 



54 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Children have wrought at each shuttle and 

spool 
When they might have been wasting their 

time at school. 



" Early and late, in cell and pen, 

I have given Work to the tribes of men." 

" Enough! " said the Fiend, with compassion 

great, 
As he turned to the Walking Delegate. 

" I have gone," said the Delegate, " into the 

moil 
Where sweating laborers slave and toil ; 
In the roar of mills and prosperity's hum 
I have brought the Worker's Millennium. 

'* A Sabbath reigned where my voice was 

heard, 
Harsh labor ceased when I gave the word; 
Thus a million souls in a day would pass 
From the ranks of toil to the leisure class. 

" Blessings on all who have entered my ken — 
I have given Rest to the tribes of men." 
" Enough ! " said Satan, and you might trace 
A benevolent gleam on his glowing face. 




'CONGRESSMAN SNIDE. 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 55 

So' he tinkled a bell, and said with a grin, 
To the purple attendant who entered in, 
" Deliver this pair to the brimstone can 
That's labeled, ' For Friends of the Worklng- 
man. 



IMMIGRATION 

Ezeklel, the Puritan, 

Thus lifts his protestation: 
" By ginger, I'm American, 

And don't like immigration. 
Naow I jest guess I got here fust 

And know what I'm about. 
When I declar' we'll all go bust 

Or keep them aliens out." 

Max Heidelburg, the German, says : 

" Jah also. Right, mein frendt. 
If ve dot foreign trash admit 

Our woes will nefer endt. 
I am Americans as you 

Und villing to ge-shout 
' Hurray mit red und vite und plue, 

Und keep dose aliens oudt! " 

Ike Diamondstein, the Jew, exclaims: 

" Ah, Izzy, ain't dat grandt! 
Ve Yangees haf such nople aims 

Und vill togeder standt, 
VeVe got der goods, ve're nach'ralized- 

Vat hinters us from shouten 
* Americavich is civilzized, 

So keep dose aliens outen ! " 
56 




JAH ALSO. 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 57 

Pletro Garibaldi says: 

" Here ever-r-ry man is king. 
I catch-a da fun, I mak-a da mon, 

I like-a da ever-r-ryt'ing. 
American he gent-a man — 

Watch-a da Dago shout, 
* Sell-a da fruit, shin-a da boot, 

Keep-a da alien out! ' " 

The Irishman vociferates: 

" Sure, Mike, it's sahft as jelly. 
I'll take the shtick and crack the pates 

Of ivery foreign Kelly. 
If it's the call o' polyticks. 

Then I'm the la'ad to shout, 
' Down wid th' Da-agos an' th' Micks, 

An' keep th' ahens out! ' " 

But covered with ancestral tan, 

Beside his wigwam door, 
The only real American 

Counts idle talk a bore. 
" Ugh ! Pale-face man he mighty thief. 

Much medicine talk about — 
It heap too late for Injun chief 

To keep-um alien out." 



PLAINT OF AN ANCIENT CLIFF- 
DWELLER 

In a penny museum a Cliff-Dweller's skull 
Reclined, an old relic of cavernous hollows, 

Who winked at me twice from his cavities 
dull, 
And opened his grin and orated as follows: 

" With tenants above you and lodgers below 
And porters and hall-boys wherever you're 
at, 
You also may know the poor Cliff-Dweller's 
woe 
Who lived in an antediluvian flat. 

" We moved in our cave, Mrs. Bear-Face and 
I— 
A tenth-floor apartment (five bones was the 
rental). 
'Twas a clay-finished suite with the ceilings 
quite high, 
And frescoed with shin-bones and teeth or- 
namental. 

" But the tenants below and the tenants above 
They worried us daily with this thing and 
that — 
True hearts in a cottage may live upon love, 
But not in an antediluvian flat. 
58 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 59 

" The Stonehatchet-Smlths (sixth floor rear) 
how they'd fight! 
And their daughter sang popular airs in 
soprano; 
The Catts (two below) had bridge parties 
all night, 
And Spearhandle-Jones played a home- 
made piano. 

" Our bedrooms, alas ! were so stuffy and 
small 
That the walls on both sides with our el- 
bows were dented. 
We piled all our furniture out in the hall. 
For freight elevators were not then in- 
vented. 

" We carried our groceries ten flights of stairs 

(And that's a good deal for a delicate 

feller) : 

The landlord was constantly putting on airs 

And raising the rent on the poor old Cliff- 

Dweller. 

" 'Twas racket above us, 'twas rumpus below. 
We sent in complaints, but they didn't mind 
that — 

I ask but your sympathy, stranger — you know 
How mortal can suffer who lives in a flat." 



6o AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

I Uttered a sigh, which I couldn't refrain, 
For this ghostly flat-dweller who lived ere 
the flood: 
For the Man In Apartments is bound to com- 
plain, 
Be his flat of mahogany, marble or mud. 



A LETTER FROM HOME 

{From the Princess Boo-Lally at Gumbo 
Goo, South Sea Islands, to her brother. 
Prince Uvibobo, a sophomore at Yale.) 

*' It Is spring, my dear Umbobo, 
On the isle of Gumbo Goo, 

And your father. King Korobo, 
And your mother long for you. 

" We had missionaries Monday, 

Much the finest of the year — 
Our old cook came back last Sunday, 

And the stews she makes are dear. 

" Tve the loveliest string of knuckles 
Which dear Father gave to me, 

And a pair of shin-bone buckles 
Which I so wish you could see. 

" You remember Mr. Booloo? 

He is coming over soon 
With some friends from Unatulu — 

We all hope they'll call at noon. 

" Mr. Booloo's rather slender, 
But we'll fix him up with sage, 

And I think he'll be quite tender 
For a fellow of his age. 

" Genevieve 0-loola's marriage 

Was arranged so very queer — 
Have you read ' The Bishop's Carriage '? 

Don't you think it's just too dear? 

6i 



62 AT THE SIGNI OF THE DOLLAR 

"I am hoping next vacation 

I may visit you a while. 
In this out-of-way location 

It's so hard to know the style. 

" Will you try and match the sample 

I enclose — be sure it's green. 
Get three yards — that will be ample. 

Velvet, mind, not velveteen. 

" Gentle Mother worries badly, 

And she thinks it is a shame 
That a man like Dr. Hadley 

Lets you play that football game. 

*' For the way they hurt each other 
Seems so barbarously rude — 

No, you've not been raised, dear brother, 
To do anything so crude. 

" And those horrid meals at college — 
Not what you're accustomed to. 

It is hard, this quest for knowledge, 
But be brave. " Your sister, 

- Boo.^' 

" P. S.— 

** If it's not too great a bother 

And a mental overtax, 
Would you send your poor old father, 

C. O. D., a battle-axe?" 




'I SEE SO MUCH VAT ISS NICHT DUTCH. 



A FEW WORDS FROM WILHELM 

Man vants put leedle hier pelow 

Und vants dot leedle Dutch — 
Der vishes vich I vish, I know, 

Are nicht so fery much : 
Choost Europe, Asia, Africa, 

Der Vestern Hemisphere 
Und a coaling-station In Japan — 

Dot vill pe all dis year. 

Hi-lee, hi-lo, der winds dey plow 
Choost like Die Wacht am Rhein; 

Und vat iss mein pelongs to Me, 
Und vat iss yours iss mein! 

Jah also, ven I vloat aroundt 

Mitin mein royal yacht 
I see so much vat iss nicht Dutch 

Dot — ach, du lieber Gott ! — 
It gif me such a shtrange distress 

I gannot undershtand 
How volks gan llf In happiness 

Mitout no Vaderland! 

Hi-lee, hi-lo, der winds dey plow 

As I sail around apout 
To gif der Nations good advice 

Und sousages und kraut. 

63 



64 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Each hour I shange mein uniform, 

Put I never shange mein mindt, 
Und efery day I make ein spooch 

To penefit mankindt: 
Race Soosancide, der Nation's Pride, 

Divorce und Public Sins — 
I talk so much like Rosenfeldt 

I dink ve must pe tvins ! 

Hi-lee, hi-lo, der vinds dey plow 

Der maxim Rule or Bust — 
You gannot wreck our skyndicate 

Ven Gott iss in der Trust! 

Being ein kviet Noodral Power, 

I know mein chob, you bet — 
I pray for Beace, und hope for War 

Und keep mein powder wet; 
Put ven I've nodings else to do 

Put shtandt around und chat, 
Den der Right Divine talks nonsense t'rough 

Mein military hat. 

Hi-lee, hi-lo, der vinds dey plow 

Und softly visper dis: 
" Der Kaiser he iss more as yet 

Und all iss right vat Iss! " 






"l TALK SO MUCH LIKE ROSENFELT 
I DINK VE MUST PE TVINS." 



O CHEERFUL BIRD! 

Grimly laughs the carnal vulture, 
" You're a world of light and culture, 
Yet I'm ready to insult your 

Pretty creeds of peace again; 
For enlightened lands are filling 
With a wholesome lust for killing — 
Blood is warm and ripe for spilling 

In the foremost tribes of men. 



" Smell the fresh-drawn blood in Thibet; 
See, the Jews are at the gibbet, 
While the Russian's aching rib it 

Brings increased desire to slay. 
In the savage thirst for barter 
England longs to scratch the Tartar 
While the Moslems make a martyr 

Of a Christian every day. 

" Yes, you Yankees growing bigger, 
Posing as a model ' figger,' 
When you hang and burn a nigger 

Are you better than the rest? 
When your mobs with fiendish faces 
Slaughter in their war of races, 
Does it make your cultured graces 

Shine by contrast with the best? 

6s 



66 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

*' Why cast Servia to the devil 
In damnation cool and level 
For her talent medieval 

For dispatching kings and queens? 
Is the Turk a villain double 
As he peaks and pines for trouble 
Just to prick the Christian bubble 

With the dagger in his jeans? 

*' Rolling time has changed your fashions, 
Changed your weapons (not your passions), 
And the vulture has his rations 

Which his cravings recommend. 
Just as long as there is sinning 
Death and blood will have their inning, 
As it was in the beginning 

And it shall be at the end." 



OFFICER O'LEARY AT THE 
CROSSING 

'Tis all along Fifth avenue, as wheels the 

grand display 
Of hansom, coach, victoria, of landau and 

coupe. 
That like Napoleon Bonaparte reviewing his 

array. 
Stands Officer O'Leary at the crossing. 

" Whoa, there ! slow there ! Can't ye under- 
stand? 

Dhraw back ! shtop that hack whin 01 howld 
up me hand. 

That's the way ye must obey whin th' gineral 
gives command," 
Says Officer O'Leary at the crossing. 

'Tis all along Fifth avenue the city orchid 
blooms, 

The miles and miles of many styles, furs and 
silks and plumes; 

But keen and stern, the censor of the coach- 
men and grooms, 
Stands Officer O'Leary at the crossing. 

" Whoa, now ! slow now ! Put yer horse to 

grass ! 
Aisy, sure, ye fresh chafoor — don't give me 

anny sass I 

67 



€i AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Halt, Oi say, an' open way to let this lady 
pass! " 
Says Officer O'Leary at the crossing. 



Half a mile of millionaires along that mov- 
ing chain, 

Dappled grays and thoroughbreds with 
cropped and arching mane — 

But Maggie Flynn, the milliner, need not ap- 
peal in vain 
To break the grand procession at the cross- 
ing. 

" Whoa, there ! slow there ! Don't give me 
anny chin ! 

Stiddy, sure, ye fresh chafoor, before I run 
yez in ! 

Whin Oi've me say ye'll all give way fer lit- 
tle Maggie Flynn! " 
Says Officer O'Leary at the crossing. 



GRANDEUR 

*' My land! " says little Lizzie Cohn, 

Beside the sweat-shop door, 
" If I wuz Mamie Cassidy, 

Whose fader keeps a store, 
I'd have a hat wid feaders on 

An' then I'd git a beau 
Who'd take me to the thee-ay-ter 

Where we c'd see the show — 
If I wuz Mamie Cassidy 

Jest watch the pace I'd go ! " 

" Gee whizz I " says Mamie Cassidy, 

When she sees Lottie Blank, 
*' Her father's awful prosperous — 

He's teller in a bank. 
She gets her candy by the box 

And clothes to beat the Dutch — 
If I was fixed like Lottie is 

I wouldn't want for muchl " 

" Dear, dear," says fragile Lottie Blank, 

" It's charming, to be sure. 
The life of Alice Van der Knob — 

Too bad that we're so poor! 
I'd go to Paris every year 

And have a lovely yacht; 
If I was Alice Van der Knob 

I'd wed a Duke — why not? " 
69 



70 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

And SO does Woman weave the chain 

Unto the bitter end; 
The more good Fortune gives to her 

The more she wants to spend. 
The same small Imp of Vanity 

Plies restlessly his job 
In wistful little Lizzie Cohn 

And Alice Van der Knob. 




"der kaiser he iss more as vet." 



FOURTH OF JULY 

Fourth of July, you're a fine old antiquity 

Cured in saltpetre and brimstone and 
smoke, 
Rattlety-bang at the British iniquity, 

History crystallized Into a joke! 
Annual earthquake, tornado and fire-alarm, 

Giving Insurance a tragical turn, 
Making the householder tremble in dire 
alarm — 

Patriotism and powder to burn. 
I'm not defending you, 
I'm not befriending you ; 

Still, when you stop and consider it, why 
Shouldn't you jar us up. 
Shatter and scar us up? 

You're not to blame — you're the Fourth of 
July! 

Fourth of July, you're a bit hypocritical; 

Day when the great Declaration is read. 
Day when the Patriot (wholly political), 
Speaks of " the spot where our Forefathers 
bled"; 
Day when old Tammany goes for the 
masses of 
Votes with a union-and-liberty air, 
Buncombe and bunting to rope in the 
classes of 

71 



72 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

People who neither consider nor care ; 

Great Anniversary, 

Think not this cursory- 
View of the subject disloyalty — Why 

Shouldn't the use of you 

End in abuse of you? 

You're not to blame — you're the Fourth of 

July. 

Fourth of July, you're a reckless and notional. 

Crazy old, daisy old dynamite spree — 
/ can't confront you without an emotional 

Whoop for the Flag and the Land of the 
Free. 
R-r-r-r-rip-a-tip, Bang!! and a boyhood's de- 
lirious 

Pulse goes buck-sawing for all that it's, 
worth — 
Any durn foe with intentions half serious 

Better He down or get off of the earth I 
List to the Catling 
Of rattling and battling. 

Fire-dragons vomiting over the sky! 
War may be hellish. 
But, ah, what a relish 

Flavors destruction on Fourth of July I 

Fourth of July, you're a fiery Pictorial 

Showing our land at its worst and its best; 

More, let us hope, than a rag-time memorial 
Nerve-shaking, ear-breaking robber of rest. 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 73 

Sometimes I hear, through the racket and 
spluttering, 
Something more deep than the laughter of 
boys. 
Some of the pulse that is constantly uttering 
When this great Nation speaks deeper than 
Noise. 
Through your rick-racketting 
Clatter and clacketting 

Beats the warm Heart of the Country — so 
why 
Shouldn't you jar us up, 
Shatter and scar us up ? 

You're not to blame — you're the Fourth of 
July. 



A DAY WITH DIVES 

8 A. M. — Mr. Gilt arose and called his trusty 
scribe, 

" Send $40,000 up to Congress as a bribe." 

10 .-30 — Got his auto out and sped around the 

block 
To steal a million dollars' worth of Liquid 
Sunshine Stock. 

1 1 :oo — Jumped into a cab and made a sneak 

for home 
To dodge a quick subpoena sent by William 
T. Jerome. 

1:30 — Luncheon at the club; and when the 
meal was done 

He sent some alimony to his latest-wife-but- 
one. 

2 130 — Back to work again. Signed checks 

and sent out bail 
To get his confidential clerk and chauffeur out 

of jail. 

3:10 — Sent diamond necklace to his latest 

fiancee, 
Squeezed out some rather juicy stocks and 

closed up for the day. 
74 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 75 

4:40 — Met the agent for a very pretty book 
Entitled, " Scares and Scandals." Mr. Gilt 

first read, then took 
The entire first edition in the fraction of a 

trice. 
It cost $10,000, and was cheap at any price. 

5 :20 — Dodged into a cab in order not to 

meet 
A man whom he'd betrayed in speculations 

on " the street." 

8 :i5 — Gave a talk before St. Lucre's Sunday- 
school 

On " Purity in Business and Life — the 
Golden Rule," 

In which he said, " We all must walk the 
Path of Uprightness 

If we would find the only key to honor and 
success! " 

12:10 — To bed. " Count that day lost," he 

said, " whose setting sun 
Beams not upon the record of some noble 

action done I " 



SENATOR UNDERHAND BACCHUS 
McFEE 

Senator Underhand Bacchus McFee, 
A business-patriot-statesman was he, 
With a hardly discernible 
Easily turnable 
Handy political coat. 
'' Though as white and as pure as a lobster 

I be, 
I'll work for both sides and the middle," 
said he; 
" With my easily changeable, 
Quickly arrange-able, 
Sell-able, buy-able vote." 

When a trust wished to parley with Bacchus 

McFee, 
" Your views are opposed to my conscience," 
said he, 
" I've a feeling for principle 
Almost invincible — 
Feeling for interest, too. 
And the safe way to do with a feller like me 
Is to buy up my conscience," said Bacchus 
McFee. 
" Though scruples may bother it 
Still, you can smother It — 
Funny what money can do." 

7G 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 77 

If the opposite side gave him coin, nothing 

loth, 
He secretly pledged his support to 'em both. 
" In such a formality 
True impartiality 
Statesmen should always possess." 
And then when the measure was taken to vote, 
To' the dictates of conscience his ballot he 
wrote : 
So he voted for either one. 
Both sides, or neither one — 
Blindly, haphazard, by guess. 

For Senator Underhand Bacchus McFee, 
Though shrewd, was as honest as honest 
could be; 
So he scorned the temptations of 
Rich corporations of 
Bribers who stood at his throat. 
" I'll take all the bribes that they offer," 

said he, 
" But I'll vote as I please, for my country is 
free. 
With my highly dependable, 
Cash-dlvidendable, 
Pliable, buyable vote." 



THE PIRATE AND THE CABMAN 

Sir Humphrey Slasher, buccaneer, 

Unto New York came he, 
Wearing a pirate's snicker-sneer 

And a two-edged snicker-snee. 

The trade upon the main was bad 
And things looked dark and brown, 

But modern weapons must be had; 

And that was why, discouraged, sad. 
Sir Humphrey came to town. 

A hansom-cab he straight did hail : 

" Good cabby, cab thou me 
To some convenient bargain-sale 

Of pirates' cutleree." 



The cabby did as he was bid 
With deft and graceful touch. 

And when they reached their journey's end 
Sir Humphrey asked, " How much? " 

" Five dollars net," the cabby cried, 

" For ye have gone a mile — 
I charge one dollar for the ride, 

Four dollars for the style. 

78 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 79 

" Keep me not here," the cabby said, 

With glance of fiery scorn; 
*' Be prompt to pass your ducats o'er, 
For many more and many more 

I'll plunder ere the morn." 

The pallid pirate paid his fare 
And swore by Blackbeard's hand: 

" I might have been a millionaire, 
Had I but stayed on land. 

" I'll trade my cutlass for the whip, 

My helmet for the plug, 
The cab henceforth shall be my ship, 

Rich loot therein to lug. 

" No more by methods shivery 

To capture and maroon — 
Me for the cabman's livery 

To catch the bright doubloon." 

To-day Sir Humphrey sits in pride 

Among his black-clad crew 
Where pirates on their hansoms ride 

Along the avenue. 

Man, woman, child, within his bark 

He holds for ransom there. 
No more his cry, " No quarter! " — hark 

His hideous summons, *' Fare ! " 



" FRENZIED FINANCE " 
{How to get rich in an egg-shell.) 

Do you oft long to be a fine millionaire when 
You're poor, but too haughty to beg? 

Well, go to a neighbor and borrow a hen, 
And ask for the use of an egg. 

Now next place the hen and the egg on a nest 
Where the pullet will work out the trick; 

For if she's the talent her manners attest 
She'll shortly hatch out a small chick., 

Then take back the hen to her owners next 
day 

As fast as your trotters will peg; 
And when your own chick is beginning to lay 

You can honestly take back the egg. 

Thus set up in business, the rest is a snap, 
For your chick will have chicks of her own ; 

And the chicks of these chicks will hatch other 
chicks' chicks. 
If you let them severely alone. 

And when all the chicks of these chicks have 
hatched chicks 
And these chicks have hatched chickens, in 
turn, 

80 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 8i 

You can sell out your farm, like a thousand 
of bricks, 
And revel in money to burn. ^ >> 

Then you'll blow into Newport, and purchase 
a yacht, 
And ask all the neighbors aboard; 
And before you are used to the money you've 

got, 
Your daughter will marry a lord. 



W 



HOLY JOHNNIE'S SERMON 

" O sinner, come to Sunday-school," 

Says little Johnnie D., 
" Observe the blessed gold brick rule 

And try to live like Me. 

" 'Tis good of Me to ask you here 

To hear My maxims grand. 
To listen to My words of cheer 

And shake My holy hand. 

" But I must point your worldly looks 

Toward a higher zone, 
While Father steals your pocketbooks 

And everything you own. 

" Turn not your thoughts to worldly dross, 

As you more saintly grow. 
The righteous soul can feel no loss — 

And Father needs the dough. 

" Thanks to the Oil Trust's kindly glut 

Your finish I can see, 
When Pa runs up expenses, — ^but 

I'm glad Salvation's free. 

" Pa owns the Earth, but Heaven is mine. 

So save your souls I must, 
When I absorb the Sin Combine 

In My Salvation Trust." 

8i 



THE PRICE OF PIETY 

" John Dives, man, and have you heard what 
the preacher said of you, 
Intent your saintly character to smirch? " 
" Aye, that I have," John Dives said, " but 
the hke no more he'll do. 
For I have bought the preacher and his 
church." 

" John Dives, man, and have you heard how 
the teacher's spoken out 
Against the reign of money and misrule? " 
" True, true, he did," John Dives said, " but 
he's pledged no more to shout. 
For I have bought the teacher and his 
school." 

" John Dives, man, and did you hear the leg- 
islators say 
They'd check the sleek, dishonest things 
you do? " 
" I did," said John, " and they reformed 
without the least delay. 
For I have bought the Legislature, too." 

" My heart is pure," John Dives said, " for 
the Coin can do no wrong; 
All things are on the market for the buy- 
ing. 
I've the keys to Earth and Heaven, which I 
purchased for a song — 
I can get the keys to Hades without try- 
mg. 

83 



THE HERITAGE OF REST. 

Ah, wise is the provident father 

Who labors great fortune to hoard, 

Who early and late amasses estate 

That his daughters and sons may be bored. 

He never was tired, — patient father! 

He gave uncomplaining his toil 
That his heirs might find pleasure and joy 
beyond measure 

Denied to the kin of the soil. 

He knew not the pleasaunce of yawning, 
The leisurely boredom of rest — 

Did he know as he moiled and unceasingly 
toiled 
That his sons should be bored as the best? 

They should yawn to be dressed in the morn- 
ing, 
They should yawn to be coddled and fed. 
They should yawn in tired loathing at pas- 
sion and clothing, 
And yawn to be tucked into bed; 
They should yawn at their tea and their 
liquor. 
They should yawn at their children and 
wives, 

84 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 85 

They should yawn night and day at their du- 
ties and play, 
And yawn till they yawned out their lives. 

So practice frugality, father. 

And squander no tithe of your hoard; 
'Twill be presently so that you'll glory to 
know 
That your sons and your daughters are 
bored. 

The soil may still cling to your fingers, 

Unpolished, preoccupied boor, 
Though your heirs have the pride of a treas« 
ure denied 

To the pleasureless tribes of the poor. 



MAY MADNESS 

{J Rhapsody in Rasps.) 

I. 

It is May, " How do you know It? " 

Asks the Poet. That is easy. 
By a sort of hectic madness 

Touched with gladness, wild and breezy. 
By my wife's unwonted actions; 
By the real-estate transactions; 
By the rival baseball factions yelling " Sll-i- 

Ide! " In yonder lot 
Where the youthful fans in batches 
Are ki-yipping like Apaches 
In a contest rather ragged, but miraculously 
hot. 

II. 

It Is May — can I forget It? 

I have met it like a martyr, 
Yet the tearful contemplation 
Of domestic devastation 

Sets me swearing like a Tartar, 
As the fierce Philistine laymen, 
Harsh, unsympathetic draymen, 
Storm like pirates up the stair, 
Seize my Lares and Penates 

By the hair. 
Work like Demons blindly agile, 

86 




AS THE FIERCE, PHILISTINE LAYMEN, 

HARSHj UNSYMPATHETIC DRAYMEN 

SEIZE MY LARES AND PENATES BY THE HAIR 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 87 

Charge like bulls among our fragile 

Chinaware. 
Spilt! goes table, bang! goes bracket, 
Biff ! goes sideboard — what a racket — 
Thumping, bumping, stumping, jumping 

To the van — Go easy, man I 
Heaven preserve us 1 

Hully gee — 
I'm getting nervous. 

III. 

O Woman, in your hours of ease 
Delicious, shy, and quick to please. 
When May Day swims into your ken 
You are a little Cyclone then ! 

On Human Rights your foot is sot, 
Earth's glories fade and Man Is not. 
And even a Husband grows obscure 
And something less than furniture. 

IV. 

Through the glad May morning in a fair sub- 
urban dingle 

Woodland Pan stands sulkily a-nalling up a 
shingle — 

All the nymphs and dicky-birds a-loafing 
round the dale 

In amazement read the sign, *' These Corner 
Lots for Sale." 



^ AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

Out in Mr. Jones' backyard stand Flora and 

Aurora 
Hanging out the Monday wash and doing 

chores for Nora; 
Clio and attendant nymphs a carpet-sweeper 

lug; 
Phyllis with a garden-hose is walloping a rug. 

Wilkinson, the banker, in his garden over 
there 

Hoes like Markham's hero, with his fragile 
biceps bare; 

Now and then a catalogue he strenuously 
reads, 

Now he wipes his spectacles and scatters let- 
tuce seeds. 

Pan observes this exercise and stamps his 

cloven foot, 
Swears by stygian Orcus as he gives his pipes 

a toot, 
" May ain't what it used to be in this here 

strip o' natur' — 
Livin' in the suburbs ain't no life for nymph 

and satyr! " 

V. 

It is May. The push-carts smile and 

Coney Island is a-sprouting; 
Now the trolley-car untiring 

Goes perspiring to the outing; 




"yelling 'sli-i-de!' in yonder lot. 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 89 

And the Tammany promoter, 

And the ordinary voter, 

And the animiles of Wall Street's zoological 

exhibit 
Cease their bleating and their yelling, 
And their buying and their selling 
In a wistful dream of nature which the winter 

months prohibit. 
And the Statesman dreams of thickets, 
Mother, home, and mileage tickets, 

In a way 
That distinctly calls attention 
To the axiom I mention: 

It is May. 



CIRCUMSTANCES AND CASES 

Upspake the College President, "Young men, 

be pure in trade. 
Avoid the Festering Finance and the money 

that is made 
Through devious, Insidious 
Devices, quite invidious 
To purer education and the lofty tablets 

cut" 

He might have spoken further in his pleasant 

discourse, but 

Along came a yeller 
Package, marked, " From Rockefeller. 
Just a million-dollar token 
Of a wish as yet unspoken 
That the Fellowship of Scholarship may ever 
be unbroken." 

Upspake the Reverend Doctor to his snugly 

pastured flock, 
" Cast not your bread, my brethren, on the 

marsh of watered stock, 
Where fortunes meretricious 
Are amassed through means suspicious; 
For howsoever crafty is the robber by whose 

skill "— 
And thus the pious morsels were contributed, 

until 

99 




fv 'V / vxl 




WILKINSON THE BANKER IN HIS GARDEN OVER THERE" 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 91 

Along came a bonny 
Parcel marked, " From Uncle Johnnie, 
Being cash for the conversion 
Of the Hindoo and the Persian — 
So on the hand of charity let no one cast as- 
persion." 

Upspake the Lawyer to his son, " Avoid the 
fell disease 

Of arguing for Tainted Trusts and their dis- 
honest fees. 

For ten to one a Trust is 

But a legalized Injustice 

A home-destroying octopus devised by busi- 
ness men " — 

He might have put conviction in his pleading, 
but just then 

Came a letter smooth and gallant 

Saying, " Dear sir: — For your talent 

Please accept a situation 

With our Coal Oil Corporation 

With $100,000 as a yearly stipulation." 



DEMOCRACY 

There is a Bowery restauranteur — they call 

him " Coffee Jake "— 
Who makes a humble specialty of serving 

Hamburg steak. 
He shouts your order down the tube, " A 

chopper — make it flat! " 
The meat comes hot and costs a dime — and 

isn't bad at that. 

But at the new St. Rich hotel more formal 

airs you'll find, 
And one who goes to luncheon leaves the 

simple life behind. 
A footman meets you at the steps, another 

at the door. 
And lined up to the dining-room stand many, 

many more. 

A butler bows you to the room, a waiter to 

your chair. 
And luncheon takes the aspect of a serious 

affair. 
A flunkey brings a menu-card with reverent 

respect — 
The heavens are hushed and waiting for the 

order you select. 







WOODLAND PAN STANDS SULKILY A-NAILING UP A SHINGLE 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 93 

You pause. You're rather short on French, 
but then you'll make a bluff. 

A Something a la Something Else seems nour- 
ishing enough. 

The waiter takes your order and attends to 
your commands, 

As grave as an ambassador with nations on 
his hands. 

With portents of a great event the atmos- 
phere is stored. 

The silver forks, the crystal glass gleam on 
the snowy board, 

And hark ! the corps of servitors attention 
seem to stand — 

The waiter is approaching with your order 
in his hand ! 

A silver dish of fair design he sets beneath 

your nose. 
And lifts the cover tenderly its wonders to 

disclose. 
When — lights of poorer, humbler days and 

shades of " Coffee Jake " ! 
You recognize no other than your friend, the 

Hamburg steak ! 

Moral. 
When one, through change of circumstance, 

becomes a gilded denizen. 
It's fun to see a Hamburg steak assume the 

airs of venison. 



TO THE PURE ALL FOOD IS PURE 

Congressman Snide was the Gentleman Jo 
Of the National Pure Food Adulterant Co., 
A strenuous patriot, giving his powers 
To the health of this glorious country of ours, 

And many's the job he 

Conspired in the Lobby 
Old laws to make new and new laws to pro- 
vide — 

Wood alcohol brandy 

And aniline candy 
E'er found a warm friend in good Congress- 
man Snide. 

(Said General Sneek, " His great wisdom and 

tact 
Is shown in the famous Snide Substitute 

Act:') 

No business man with a Food to maintain 
E'er called on that scientist-statesman in vain ; 
With stocks and retainer-fees bulging his coat, 
The stronger the Poison, the stronger his vote. 

For he said, " What's the pleasure 

In killin' a measure 
Because it protects indigestible grub? 

Why try to defeat it? 

We don't have to eat it. 
It's only the Public that's gittin' the nub." 




'FOR I PLACE GREAT RELIANCE IN SUBSIDIZED SCIENCE 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 95 

{Said Senator Grabb, in a manner polite, 
" Unless you are wrong you are certainly 
right r) 

If a chemist came out with a statement to 

show 
Gross fraud in the Pure Food Adulterant Co., 
Then Congressman Snide could his chemist 

procure. 
To prove that his product was " perfectly 
pure." 
" For I place great reliance 
In subsidized Science," 
Said Congressman Snide, " when It comes to a 
pinch; 
When you hire a Professor 
To act as your guesser, 
To the Pure any poison is Pure^ — that's a 
cinch!" 

{Said Congressman Coin, with a jerk of his 

thumb, 
" Them facts what you state is convincing to 

some.") 

When families died after eating canned jam. 
Or hospitals groaned with the victims of ham. 
Then Congressman Snide, being Graft-on-the- 
spot, 
Was there with the Coroner, likely as not, 



96 AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

To prove tonsllitis, 
La grippe, meningitis, 
Had brought the poor victims to sudden de- 
mise. 
While soft applications 
Of friendly donations 
Bought silent consent from the willing and 
wise. 

(Said Congressman Hush, as he counted the 

dead, 
*' There's noth'in' so fatal as cold-in-the- 

head.") 

" For food-education has long been my 

hobby," 
Said Snide as the House was convened — in the 

Lobby, 
" I'll teach that there Public the things what 

they need. 
If I murder 'em all to accomplish the deed! 
The heart, lungs and thorax 
Needs brick-dust and borax — 
A fact which perhaps them there organs don't 
know — 
I'm killin' folk off at 
A nominal profit 
For me and the Pure Food Adulterant Co." 

{Said Congressman Leech, " It's insplrin* to 

feel 
That feller's onselfish and lofty Ideel! ") 



CRANKIDOXOLOGY 

(Being a Mental Attitude from Bernard 
Pshaw. ) 

It's wrong to be thoroughly human, 

It's stupid alone to be good, 
And why should the " virtuous " woman 

Continue to do as she should? 

(It's stupid to do as you should!) 

For I'd rather be famous than pleasant, 
I'd rather be rude than polite; 
It's easy to sneer 
When you're witty and queer, 
And I'd rather be Clever than Right. 

I'm bored by mere Shakespeare and Milton, 
Though Hubbard compels me to rave; 

If / should lay laurels to wilt on 
That fogy Shakespearean grave, 
How William would squirm in his grave ! 

For I'd rather be Pshaw than be Shakespeare, 
I'd rather be candid than wise; 
And the way I amuse 
Is to roundly abuse 
The Public I feign to despise. 

97 



9S AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 

I'm a Socialist, loving my brother 

In quite an original way, 
With my maxim, " Detest One Another " — 

Though, faith, I don't mean what I say. 

(It's beastly to mean what you sayl) 

For I'm fonder of talk than of Husbands, 
And I'm fonder of fads than of Wives, 

So I say unto you. 

If you don't as you do 
You will do as you don't all your lives. 

My " Candida's " ruddy as coral. 

With thoughts quite too awfully plain — 

If follcs would just call me Immoral 
I'd feel that I'd not lived in vain. 
(It's nasty, this living in vain!) 

For I'd rather be Martyred than Married, 
I'd rather be tempted than tamed, 
And if / had my way 
(At least, so I say) 
All Babes would be labeled, " Unclaimed." 

I'm an epigrammatlcal Moses, 
Whose humorous tablets of stone 

Condemn affectations and poses — 
Excepting a few of my own. 
(I dote on a few of my own.) 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 99 

For my method of booming the market 

When Managers ask for a play- 
Is to say on a bluff, 
" I'm so fond of my stuff 

That I don't want it acted — go 'way 1 " 

I'm the club-ladies' Topic of Topics, 
Where solemn discussions are spent 

In struggles as hot as the tropics. 
Attempting to find what I meant. 

(/ Never Can Tell what I meant!) 

For it's fun to make bosh of the Gospel, 
And it's sport to make gospel of Bosh, 

While divorcees hurrah 

For the Sayings of Pshaw 
And his sub-psychological Josh. 

LOfC 



AFTER READING A CHAPTER BY 
HENRY JAMES 

And after Angelina, laying down 

The book — that is — she often thought it 
so; 
Had recognized, as one might say, a frown 

(Could she translate the answer Yes and 
No?) 
Had taken up the, as it were, effect 

Of, Angelina's training had been such 
That, yet, however harsh and circumspect — 

Even her father deemed it overmuch — 
One does these things unconsciously, I think, 

Thus in proportion as we don't we do; 
So pausing rather vaguely on the brink 

She wondered, was it by, and if so, to ? 

For Angelina Hale was not that kind 

Of girl, and it would be unfair to say 
With such an intuition in her mind 

As these, those — does it matter either 
way? — 
Which she had, of a purpose, I suppose; 

And they do have so many ways to choose, 
A point which, she remembered, last arose 

The day she left her arctic overshoes, 
And then, of course, that doesn't count for one 

Whose very instinct (is it wrong to try?) 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR loi 

Since, yes, what other, lesser souls have done, 
For which, with what, is oftenest done by. 

And thus reflecting, Angelina Hale 

Reviewed the thoughts that she had read 
about , 
Then with a smile triumphant, wan and pale. 
Sank back upon her pillows, quite fagged 
out. 



TO AN INDIAN SKULL. 

{Found in a Broadway Excavation.) 

Gaunt relic with the vacant smile, 
What think you of Manhattan isle, 
Your tribesmen sold in trustfulness 
For thirty dollars, more or less? 

My I if your legs were with you yet, 
You'd kick, I am disposed to bet, 
Because you sold out in a slump 
Before your stocks began to jump. 

Step lively, please ! you cannot buy 
The hallowed ground you occupy; 
For these God's acres have been sold 
For very near their weight in gold. 

Where once your wigwam fluttered, see 
Yon million-dollar steel tepee — 
Where once your war-dance gave its thrill 
Now flings the nightly vaudeville. 

Here sat your god of wood and stone — 
Poor idol, how his time has flown ! 
Now through the broadcloth tribes is borne 
The Calf of gilded hoof and horn. 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 103 

Where your spare chieftains tread the trail 
Behold the hansom smartly sail 
Wherein the Johnnie sits alone 
With skull as hollow as your own. 

Well may you mark with chattering teeth 
The " L " above, the " Sub " beneath, 
The Babel roar of truck and van — 
Sleep on, poor relic, — if you can! 



THE ANT AND THE ELEPHANT 

In the jungle, jungle, jingle, 
Where the animals commingle, 
Came an Elephant, whose single 

Aim was dignified repose; 
Till an Ant, in accents painful, 
Hailed the Elephant disdainful, 
*' Sir, excuse my comments plain-ful. 

But you're standing on my toes ! " 



But the tower of brute creation, 
At this base insinuation 
(Undisturbed his contemplation), 

Only blinked and flopped his ear; 
Quoth the Ant, in mighty dudgeon, 
" Ouch! you hurt! lift up your bludgeon 
From my foot, you hulking gudgeon — 

Are you deaf, or don't you hear? " 

Said the Elephant, benighted, 

" Tut, tut, child I don't get excited — 

By and by I'll be dee-lighted 

To remove this groundwork fat; 
All these demonstrations ant-ic. 
Make me positively frantic." 
Then he placed one toe gigantic 

On the Ant — and squashed him flat. 
104 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 105 

Here's a moral I would tender 
Unto you, small Retail spender — 
When a Trust steps on your slender 

Little tootsie, don't you squeal; 
Better offer no resistance 
Or the Trust, at such insistence. 
Will discover your existence 

And remove you — with his heel. 



THE POET OF FUTURITY 

Though too humble to aspire on eulogies to 
Keats or Byron, 
Though I leave my Milton mute but not 
Inglorious, 
Though to Will of gentle Avon there is not a 
rhyme I have on 
Tap to make the work of scholars more 
laborious; 
Yet there is one bard I wot of who deserves 
Apollo's knot of 
Imitation laurels, and I'd fain bestow it — 
'Tis that Poe of soups and brandies, patent 
cereals and candies, 
That unflinching soul, the Advertising Poet. 

Whitman sang in misfit numbers of potatoes 
and cucumbers, 
Markham humanized the hoe In stanzas 
tragical; 
But our advertising hero drops these bearded 
bards to zero. 
Giving common things a twist no less than 
magical. 
Higley's tea (he says) has flavor that defies 
the nectar's savor. 
Purple Pills are Great, and ail the world 
should know it; 

io6 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 107 

Corntop Whiskey is the tipple good for in- 
fant, youth, and cripple, 
Says the ready-rhyming Advertising Poet. 

When earth's streams and fields and valleys 
all give place to streets and alleys. 
And when every wildwood deer has gone to 
venison ; 
When there's no more rapture swimmln' in 
the eyes and hearts of women. 
And Parnassus is a knoll without a denizen ; 
Then the Laureate of Cocoa may serenely sit 
in loco, 
And, unrivalled in commercial frenzy, go It, 
While the library partitions bulge with fat 
de luxe editions 
Of the v/orld's last bard, the Advertising 
Poet. 



FALL STYLES IN FACES 

Faces this Fall will lead the styles 

More than in former years 
With something very neat in smiles 

Well trimmed with eyes and ears. 
The Gayer Set, so rumor hints, 

Will have their noses made 
In all the famous Highball Tints — 

A bright carnation shade. 

For morning wear in club and lobby. 
The Dark Brown Taste will be the hobby. 

In Wall Street they will wear a gaze 

To match the paving-stones. 
(This kind, Miss Ida Tarbell says, 

John Rockefeller owns.) 
Loud mouths, sharp glances, furtive looks 

Will be displayed upon 
The faces of the best-groomed crooks 

Convened in Washington. 

Among the Saints of doubtful morals 
Some will wear halos, others laurels. 

Checkered careers will be displayed 

On faces neatly lined, 
And vanity will still parade 

In smirks — the cheaper kind. 
1 08 



AT THE SIGN OF THE DOLLAR 109 

Chins will appear in Utah's zone 

Adorned with lace-like frizzes, 
And something striking will be shown 

In union-labor phizzes. 

The gentry who have done the races 
Show something new in Poker Faces. 

Cheek will supplant Stiff Upper Lips 

And take the place of Chin ; 
The waiters will wear ostrich tips 

When tipping days begin. 
The Wilhelm Moustache, curled with scorn, 

Will show the jaw beneath, 
And the Roosevelt Smile will still be worn 

Cut wide around the teeth. 

If Frenzied Finance waxes stronger 
Stocks will be " short " and faces longer. 

But if you have a well-made face 

That's durable and firm, 
It's features you need not replace — 

'Twill wear another term. 
Two eyes, a nose, a pair of ears, 

A chin that's clean and strong 
Will serve their owner many years 

And never go far wrong. 

But if your face is shoddy. Brother, 
Run to the store and buy another! 



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